Both my mother’s father and my father’s mother were once models. Perhaps it was this knowledge that led to my decision to try it myself. Yes, I too once had a brief and highly unsuccessful career in the modeling business. It is something I am embarrassed about, but not just because I was a miserable failure. I also consider it one of the dumber decisions I have made in life.

I took my first pictures when I was sixteen. Kate Moss and “heroin-chic”  had not yet hit the modeling scene, and, I, being an inch under ideal height and weighing in at 100 lbs., didn’t have what it took to compete with the celebrated curves of Amazons like Paulina Porizkova and Claudia Schiffer. “Too skinny” was the standard response to my portfolio. At one fashion show, the clothes were all too big for me, and I stumbled down the runway in size-seven evening gowns, praying I would not trip and fall on my face.

On top of that, I was really bad at it. Modeling appears to be an easy way to make some cash. Just sit there and look pretty; how hard could it be?

In fact, it is surprisingly hard! Modeling is acting in still form. You must be able to visually emote while wearing clothes that make you feel ridiculous and uncomfortable. Outdoors you must be able to do this while blinding reflectors burn holes in your retinas and you are either shivering or sweating from wearing clothes designed for whichever season it is not. I usually had trouble mustering up more than a feeble smile, so most of my pictures generated little attention.

 

Here’s me wearing my signature “blank” look (and little else!)

 

 

My expression-less looks and lack of curves, however, did not deter the Asian sector. I was offered a contract to model in Japan for a year. It meant I would have to miss my senior year of high school. It was also about this time that my Grandma Teri informed me that if I really wanted to pursue a career in modeling and acting, she had connections who could “make it happen.” I had to decide, is this what I really wanted to do with my life?

Rather than being built up by the flattery of it all, my self-esteem was suffering. (see article “Models Lonely with Low Self-Esteem“) And even worse than the constant rejection and criticism was the toll it took on my conscience. It was a different world from the days of my grandparents when dignity and innocence were still somewhat valued. I quickly caved in to pressure to wear clothing that would have made my parents faint with horror, but then came the pressure to wear nothing at all. At each photo shoot, the photographers would ask the models, “Are you eighteen?” (the legal age to shoot nude photos) I did my last shoot just after my eighteenth birthday and, to avoid being asked to strip, I lied about my age.

Modeling requires that you check your humility and your modesty at the door. To be really successful at it, you must adopt the haughty attitude typified by the eyes-half-closed look of someone on the verge of a sneeze (often seen in Victoria’s Secret catalogs). This attitude breeds jealousy and competition. Not a exactly a pleasant work atmosphere!

Imagine the conflict that all this created in my soul. This was certainly not the person I was or wanted to be. Arrogance is ugly. And deep down I felt that attempting to build my self-worth on looks alone was cheating. Why get credit for something I had not worked for? As the apostle Paul said, “What do you have that you did not receive? If you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not?” (1 Corinthians 4:7) True self-worth must be earned.

So of course I quit. I now shudder when I think of this whole experience. I know a woman who accepted a Japanese modeling contract at around the same time I was offered one. She found herself working there as a high-end prostitute. Another friend of mine got hooked on the cocaine that was freely available in the dressing rooms. And the sordid tales of models sleeping their way to success still make me nauseous. It is for good reason that modeling has been called “the ugly business of beautiful women.” 

I chose instead to take a less glamorous role behind the scenes as a volunteer Bible teacher. Among the Bible’s many lessons are the value of inner beauty, honesty, integrity, and love. These things are within anyone’s reach, regardless of their height, weight or facial symmetry. And the people by whom I have, as a result, become surrounded are the most beautiful in the world. I wouldn’t have changed that decision for anything.